Arguing with my Reflection.

So.  We kinda had a hard night last night.  I have been doing pretty well so I know it was totally expected and normal.

I was basically arguing with myself in the mirror.  It just didn’t look like me.  It was the first time I had taken a good hard look at myself in about a month and I just couldn’t believe what I saw.  I am so, so banged up.  I guess a little like a soldier.  Not like Christina at all.

I have been through hair loss so I am actually a little used to that, but goodness, my hair used to be so beautiful.  I have a huge bruise from the port on my left shoulder.  I have a long scar on my tummy from the shunt.  I have a tube on my head from the shunt as well (but that should be covered when my hair comes back).  Weird to the touch though.  My right breast is different from the left one because of the lumpectomy.  I have a large scar around my armpit from the lumpectomy as well.  My face is really swollen from the steroids (normal).  Sigh.  I remember being smooth and tan and scarless.

There is a picture I keep on my nightstand of Ella Mae and I right when she turned 1, and I was so very sad last night I didn’t look like that picture anymore.  I look the exact opposite.  The photo was actually taken the day before my lumpectomy about 18 months ago, but it is lovely.  The light is just right, my hair is shiny, and Ella Mae has the silliest smile on her face.  It’s perfect and one of my favorites.  Even though I am just (sort-of) healthy and but (very) happy to be with my little girl.

I am learning to be gentle with myself.  But it’s so hard!!!!!  I had a very difficult time last round because I gained almost 30 pounds from treatment.   That’s a lot for a gal who is barely 5 feet tall.  The steroids they have you on for nausea plays a huge role in that. I worked really hard to get about half of it off (bike riding, circuit training, Zumba — the weight didn’t want to move!) and now it all may just come back.  I know in my heart this is the least of my worries.  I just want to live.  But I am girl, a a bit of a vain one at that, so this is hard for me.

But, I am still finding joy in things I love.  My Madame.  Baking.  Crafting. Socializing.  So I am grateful for these things that keep me busy and happy.

We had a really good doctor’s appointment today with my Oncologist in Woodland so I am pleased.  Chemotherapy may start next week, the doctors at UCD, UCSF, and Dr. Alali just need to coordinate the right cocktail for me to start infusing.  My questions were answered and I feel satisfied for now. We are actually starting the treatment of the spine cancer tomorrow, by way of IV infusion.  So that is great.  I feel like we are moving in the right direction.

Thank you for listening everyone, and thank you for the continued support, love, food, and well-wishes.  Take care.

5 responses

  1. Christina!! You are being so strong. Try to look at these all as battle scars. You are exactly like a soldier and you are in the middle of a battle that I know you’re going to win. I hope you know that even with the scars & swelling, you’re still probably way cuter than most of us ;) (or at least me) and definitely have better style. :p

    {{big hug}}

  2. You are an amazing woman. I could only wish to be as strong as you are. I could hear your emotion, sadness and joy through your words, and they stayed with me throughout today. Keep your chin up!

  3. Christina, you will get thru this. You have so much to look forward too, all the good things in life. You have a lot of support system behind you. You are one strong beautiful woman. You can do this. Thank you for sharing your thoughts & feelings. I loved reading them. Keeping you and your family in my prayers. Love you all.

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