Trying to get back in the game . . . . .

Well here I am after taking a brief hiatus.  To be honest, I wasn’t feeling that great.  I will just get that out there.  No need to sugar-coat.  I was starting to get depressed (which of course is normal) and an already hard situation seemed to get even harder.  I didn’t know that was possible.  This situation has definitely challenged my marriage.  I miss my old one.  So does he.  Big sigh for me and Ryan.

The doctor’s don’t have a ton of answers for me, which puts me in this floating bubble which if you know me, doesn’t cut it and causes a lot of discomfort for Ryan and I.  We don’t feel very secure right now.   I also have so much more fatigue this time around which my energetic body is just rebelling against and just makes me mad.

Even with all the support I have been given (it is truly, truly, amazing,) I am going to admit that sometimes it isn’t enough.  I want to know that I am going to be okay. I want to hear it from a doctor.  I have to rely on hope much of the time and that is a scary thing when you are a person like me who needs answers.  This is my life here.  I have to realize that doctor’s do not have all answers and all we can do is not over-do the personal research and find a team of physicians you can trust and confide in.

My friends have been offering their support whenever they can.  They know I would rather be enjoying myself instead of going to a doctor’s appointments every five minutes (which they have to drive me too).  I am so sorry this post isn’t about my recipes or cupcakes, but cancer SUCKS and I needed to vent big time. The positive news is that the cancer in my brain has reduced and that is very good news.  But then we have all these other cancer-ridden areas in my body to deal with.

And then my little mini-me, my poor, poor Ella Mae.  She went from coping so well to this unfortunate situation to this being very, very hard for her.   In addition to going through the terrible-two’s, she is very concerned about her mama.  It breaks my heart.  Please everyone, let her know that her mama isn’t going anywhere.

Thank you for listening everyone; I promise to have a yummy recipe next time.  xoxo


5 responses

  1. Vent with us, so you can laugh, smile and party / Ella Mae and Ryan. It does suck – all of it. Yelling, crying and breaking shit in your honor. – JR

  2. Your feeling r so normal!! No answers are the worst, not knowing sucks, the list goes on and on so your feelings r sooooooo warranted!! Ella knows u r hurting and she loves her momma!! She will be your strength!! And well u and Ryan?? My hubby and i went through this when I was sick, it’s a tough time! U will both become stronger because of it!! Love u girlie and fuck cancer!!!!!!!

  3. My heart aches. It aches for you, my dear sweet sweet friend, and your baby girl Ella because she’s having to go through this at such a young age. I so wish I could do more than just listen and pray. I will not stop, even if my effort seemed small. I know you can beat this, and I know you will watch Ella grow up and turn into a real-size mini you!

    Matthew 11:28 “Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.”

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